The Story
I was working for this company for about 4 months, my job scope was to looking for real girls in skimpy looking clothes to excite my boss. The pay was pretty good and the task was simple. It was a struggle for me at first as I felt that the job was going against my personal view (moral) and I was "selling" those girls. Although the job did not specifically require me to find nude pictures, it was common for those pictures to appear in my search results as the search terms were usually "bust", "boobs", "short-shorts", "hot babes", "hot girls", "big bust" and etc. My phone was filled with pictures of almost-nude-girls which made me extremely conscious whenever someone holds my phone. Inside me, I was ashamed that people would find out about my job and be disappointed in me (as I already was with myself). To me, my dignity was already out of the door and what kept me going was the thought that the money could possibly be used for my future university fee.
At that time, my partner and I were trying to fast so that we could improve our relationship with God. We tried fasting a few times but it failed. I knew at the back of my head that the job was probably one of the reasons because I got hormonal each time I look at those pictures and we would end up back to where we started. Today, I lost count the number of times I visited the 'should-not-be-named' site and missed church. I felt like a horrible person, that I gave in to my inner desires and did not put God first.
A dear friend of mine named Philip messaged me after he noticed my absence from church. He said that 'there are things at play bigger than we think. Jesus is always in an eternal battle for us which he has won but we can still be swayed away. We are not going to defeat stuff on our own, we need God and that the spiritual battle is real' and so we can only overcome it with God. A few days ago, we were on the subject of pornography and he shared an example of how a guy who was brought to a brothel at a young age was taught that sex equates to love and how watching pornography was damaging in a relationship. A person could just date someone just so he/she could act out his sexual fantasy. Most of the time, the person would neglect or ignore the partner's feelings and needs which kill the relationship. I don't wish to do that to my partner because she deserves to be treated the correct way.
Just then Matthew 6:24 came into my head. It states that 'No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money' which I totally agree. I cannot be 99% holy and 1% unholy, that defeats the point. Early that day, my partner was also sharing her mother's story which includes the sale of items that did not glorify God which her mom knew. My case was rather similar to her mothers and she reassured me that God will provide and I didn't need to carry on this job.
Finally, I put my foot down and texted my boss to notify him of my resignation. I'm determined not to earn any dirty money anymore. God has blessed with many new things (like my laptop, phone and etc) and I feel that he wants me to start anew. I need to tune my ear, eyes and heart to God so that he can lift that numbness from me. Lord, make me sensitive to your words and help me focus on you again. Amen!
